My niche

Aspie here dealing with change...At work they gave all of us a second computer monitor, so we can do our work on dual monitors. Which is great, and I was ready for this change, they gave us plenty on notice...Today, my monitor was installed, and I love it. I had no problem adjusting to the dual screens, however I was having trouble adjusting to my augmented work space. I did not have a meltdown/shutdown or anything like that, but it took me almost 2 hours to move my stuff around, and position the monitors until I was comfortable. I was just not able to concentrate until I arranged and rearranged my workspace, and got my niche just right...

Grand mal meltdown

The last time I had a grand mal meltdown was a couple of years ago due to a major change in my life. I got unjustly fired from my job. I had the meltdown at home. I lose all composure, it's like pure anger and fear posses me. My rational mind shuts down, all sense of reason leaves my mind. I'm just raw outrage. I start by screaming, flailing my arms and swearing a lot. Then as I go nuclear, I curl up into a ball on the floor similar to the child pose yoga position, with my forehead on the floor, and I continue to wail. The wail comes from a place so deep, dark and full of chaos, it feels as if it's going to pull my soul inside out. I scream at my boyfriend to leave me alone, to get away from me, to stop talking to me because it makes me worse. Once I go full Chernobyl, there is no "me" anymore. The only way out of the cacophony and discordance is to just let run it's course. Then comes the feeling of guilt and shame about losing control. I'm lucky and blessed to have such a wonderful and understanding man that loves me...

Aspieism

I don't know what to call the aspie episode I had today. It was not a meltdown or a shutdown, and there was only a brief moment of stimming involved. I'll just regard what happened as an Aspieism.

Normally, I don't engage in small talk (chit-chat) at work. However, the office was cold, and a coworker asked me if she could borrow the blanket I keep in my drawer. It was also my lunch break, so I was comfortable with allowing myself to converse. My coworker, let's call her Amy, remarked how nice the blanket was, and asked "Oh, was this the blanket you got as your secret Santa gift last year,".

I don't know why, but questions always make me nervous, you could ask me what color my is my hair, and I'll get uncomfortable. It's like a hundreds of probabilities fight for dominance in my brain regarding the answer to the question. Then when my mind settles on one answer, it gets bottle necked with the other probable scenarios my brain was processing, and comes out in an idiotic stammer.

Anyway, my clumsy answer was "Ah-uhm...no. It was a beautiful scarf that Tara (not coworkers real name) gave me,"

While speaking I got self-conscious because Tara sits next to me on the other side of the wall, and for whatever reason I get very uncomfortable mentioning other peoples' names out of context. My discomfort was compounded by my thoughts about, "oh shit, you think it's such a beautiful scar, but you haven't worn it yet this winter. Tara is going to think you're full of crap about liking the scarf. I just keep forgetting to get it dry cleaned,"...

So I continued to tell Amy, "I haven't worn it yet because I keep forgetting to get it dry cleaned". I always add unnecessary bits of information. I just don't have the knack to know when to stop speaking. Tara, of course, heard me and said in a kind and considerate tone from the other side of the wall, "I'm sorry Jackie, I didn't think to check if the scarf needed dry cleaning,"...This is where my social skills collapsed...

I freaked out, just a little. I thought that Tara thought I was complaining. "No!" I exclaimed, and jumped up from my seat so Tara could see the sincerity on my face. Except, when I'm a little freaked, I can't make eye contact. It's as if I'm afraid the other person will see just how fucked up I am on the inside. The stimming also manifested in the form of the index and middle finger of my left hand pressing hard into my temple, and rocking from foot to foot, an aspie tap dance if you will. Then came the bumbling of my words...
"I didn't mean...I shouldn't have said...it's a gorgeous scarf and I love it...I didn't mean anything bad...I-uhm-I..."

Tara caught on and said in a comforting tone, "It's okay Jackie, I did not take what you were saying as a bad thing,"

I chilled out a bit, and replied "oh, good. What I meant was the scarf is so beautiful, I just wanted to take care of it,"

However, after I obsessed for a little while about how poorly I handled myself, and the situation. How I lost all sense of composure, and highlighted my insecurities. Always, what I intend to say, and what I actually do say are completely different. Why could I not just say assertively,
" Please don't be sorry, the scarf does not have to be dry cleaned. I just like it so much, I want to take good care of it,".

Depression

I think my depression was exacerbated by me not knowing I had asperger's, and therefore not knowing why I could not relate to other people and vice versa. A very, very, very long time ago I use to cut to fill the void. However, as life went on I grew, adapted and eventually got diagnosed. Though I still have many insecurities, awareness and groups like the Asperger's Awareness Group on Facebook are a great light in the darkness. I still have bad days, but I no longer feel ashamed to be me.

Shutdown

Aspie emotional shutdown today...I was told by the supervisor to process the emails today. The woman next to me on the other side of the wall pitched a fit because case managers usually process the emails. Imagine the nastiest tone of voice, "What are you doing in there! You're not suppose to be working the emails! Did someone tell you to work these !"...I told her in a monotone voice "yeah, the supervisor," was all I said. Then I went into robot mode, and continued to work the emails as she bitched and moaned. Wow, some people are just angry I guess...I have empathy, I felt her anger, I just didn't care about her anger...I was too busy doing my job...

she's actually like that all the time...I often shutdown with her, I feel her emotions, it's just too much for me to swallow...also a part of me recognizes her frustration is valid... I guess I shouldn't delegitimize how she feels by shutting down, but I just can't process her anger...

if she was angry because I was doing something wrong, then I would be emotionally invested as well...but if an emotion like anger directed at me is not justified, I just don't know how to react, so I don't...sometimes this makes people angrier...

Mini Meltdown

Had a mini meltdown today. I had my first car accident on Saturday (no big deal and no injuries to myself or the other person). I handled all the paperwork, making the insurance claim, dealt with the auto repair mechanic very well. It was on my way home with my boyfriend that I started to lose my shit. I started to freak out over an obsessive thought that started on Saturday night, about how I did not want to tell my family members, friends or co workers about how the accident happened because I did not want to deal with self righteous judgments about what I should or should not have said to the police officer at the accident. 

Having a car accident is disconcerting enough, having Asperger's just compounds the ordeal. I would be more apt to talk about what happened, but I know the people well enough in my life to know that they will give me their unsolicited opinion on what I should or should not have said or done. I know this, because they do it to me all the time. It's like, oh goodie so not only is your advise a waste of time after the fact, and you don't care about the reasons why I said what I said at MY car accident, but you've made me feel stupid as well. You think that much about yourself and that little of me. 

The short lived meltdown came and went. I just feel bad that I can't trust the people closest to me to be encouraging, they've just disparaged me one too many times...

Another uh-duh! aspie moment

Two coworkers were teasing each other about what days they could park in the spot closest to the building. One of them said, "Okay, I'll take all the days that end in "y""...I actually had to stop and think about this. Well, my aspie mind took her comment seriously and I asserted to tell her "but, all the days end in "y""...yup that got some good laughs.

Bellflower

I'm not sure if it's a "special interest" interest or not, but I have a thing for violent movies. The more testosterone jam packed into a movie, the better. Bellflower is not exception! This movie directed by Evan Glodell was wicked an unique. The soundtrack was amazing! There was love, romance, a bad ass muscle car, fire, and violent bloody revenge. What's not to love...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IbCMk9nPRHg

Film Scores

A significant characteristic of someone with Asperger's Syndrome is to have all absorbing narrow areas of interest, a.k.a. special interests. One of my special interests are movies, and film scores. I could watch the worse movie ever made, but an awesome score can save the movie.
Superman Returns is far from being the worse movie ever made, I love this movie! John Williams composed the music to the original Superman movie, and John Ottman did William's composition justice with his score to Superman Returns.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sL9iNj7sLmE

Sensory Checklist

I have way too many checks on this list. http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-processing-disorder-checklist.html

Outside looking In

Social phobia woes...I'm afraid to meet new people because I am convinced that they would not like me...I am weird, awkward, self conscious and insecure (now I know I have Asperger's)...but my phobia in not irrational completely...growing up my peers bullied and ostracized me...it's funny, even though I've been treated cruelly and am twice shy as a result, I don't feel apathy toward others. Being on the outside looking in, knowing what it's like to be judged, can give one perspective...

Body/spatial awareness challenged

...yup, I walk into doors. My forearms are speckled with bruises from door knobs. Hips are bruised from bumping into the corner of counters or desks. Smashed my head a few times on the freezer door handle when I came up from looking in the fridge. I also often hit my head going in and out of a car. However stairs are my biggest downfall, especially the last step...I also wobble, sway and/or weave as well as suddenly lose my balance when I walk... The evil little demon Dyspraxia is the reason for my partial loss of coordination...

A slight slip of the tongue

Had yet another one of my obtuse moments at work today. There is this high maintenance client that the case managers have nick named J-Lo. I know the client's real name, but when I got the phone call from the client I put the client on hold and shouted over the wall to the case manager "Jennifer Lopez (not the client's name) is on the phone". I did not do this in jest, even though I know the client's real name, my mind was set on calling her Jennifer Lopez. I had not realized my faux pas until a couple hours later the giggling co-workers came to me and told me what I said. They had to explain it to me twice before I understood, then my giggles joined theirs.

Best left unsaid

Just when I think I got a tight reign on my AS, and functioning on high, I do something so textbook AS that I just want to crawl into myself and disappear. I'm sorry, but sometimes I do envy those NTs that speak smoothly, with effortless tact and grace.

It just seems like I go along just fine, even better than fine, dare I say even like "normal" until I talk. It's like my well formed thoughts get tangled up as they exit my mouth, and my anxiety about speaking makes it worse.

A small part of my job is to assist clients on the phone. The call was evaluated, and technically it was perfect. However, outside of the scorecard, I gracelessly was trying to remind the client that they should try calling their case manager first for assistance. Something I hear others say well several times a day. However, being the self conscious socially awkward aspie that I am botched my intended message, and came off sounding like I did not want to help that person and that they made a mistake by calling me. I should have just not said anything. This happens every time I try to do things the way an NT does them, you'd think I learn by now. So the supervisor, having evaluated the call, asked to have a little chat about the call. My supervisor is awesome, instead of sending me an email which she knows freaks me out, she talks to me directly (she does not know I have AS, but she has great instincts). It was a good chat, she wasn't mad or anything like that...she just asked me to listen to the call and evaluate myself, and asked me (even though the call was technically perfect) if there was any part that I though could be improved. I listened to the call, and even though my boss is totally cool, I was embarrassed that my "aspie" was showing.

Doh!

Experienced the "theory of mind" problem. During a dept meeting the supervisors were going over a new procedure. I'm not trained in one of the processes the procedure would apply to, so in front of everybody I asked if the new procedure should be done at the initial review stage, not taking into consideration the other coworkers that are trained in the processes. And I still didn't "get it" until someone leaned over and told me that they and several others have been doing that process for years. I had a big uh-duh! moment because as soon as she told me, I already knew that. In the moment I was just unable to conceptualize past my own experience. I felt like the biggest idiot, apologized for the stupid question, and pretty much withdrew and mentally berated myself for the rest of the day.

The Empathy Misconception

Here is a great article regarding Asperger's Syndrome and empathy, dispelling the misconception that people with AS don't have empathy. http://www.healthzone.ca/health/article/633688

Thursday to Sunday with Mom and company

When my mind has had enough I cannot talk well (I trip over my tongue and stammer) and I start stumbling around and bumping into things like I'm intoxicated. I also start stimming as well...

*THIS POST WILL BE EDITED ONCE I'VE GATHERED AND ORGANIZED MY THOUGHTS*

Meltingdown in 5...4...3...2...1

Today was a little more challenging than yesterday. My mom and three of her friends stopped by. I was prepared for her arrival (well as prepared as I can get dealing with the AS), but when they got lost on the way here, I had a mini meltdown. Yelling, swearing, foot stamping and door slamming tantrum like meltdown. My poor boyfriend, as usual he was awesome. He actually drove to where ever they were lost so they could follow him back to our house. I hate that I freak out every time we have expected or unexpected company. The visit was good, but after they left, I felt guilty for being incapable of not melting down, and my boyfriend receiving the brunt of it.

All for love

Where yesterday was a triumph to have AS, today was a challenge. My brother had a cookout, and of course there were family members and non family members there. For me, the aspie characteristic that is most prominent is social awkwardness due to having social anxiety/social phobia. I had to go because I miss my family terribly, I live quite a few miles away, but my brother lives close to our family, hence the cookout at his house. I am quite proud of myself actually, because I went on my own, the love of my life (and my social "beard") had to work today. However, even though I braved my social phobia to be with my family, I stimmed A LOT, the whole time, and some people stared. I rocked/swayed, bounced my knee, picked at my fingernails and picked holes into the plastic table cloths. When someone spoke to me, I had the worst time keeping eye contact, and I stammered when I spoke. However, it was all worth it to see and hug my family, all of whom I love greatly.

Little triumphs

One AS characteristic which I don't mind having is exquisite attention to detail, principally visual...I caught a big mistake (one that no one else caught) with a contract, that if it went to claim, would be a litigation nightmare. Despite the other problematic characteristics of AS, being a bit pedantic served myself and the company well.

Reflections of dyspraxia

Okay, so as a child I did not know I had AS let alone the AS symptom dyspraxia. I was just this introverted, socially awkward, clumsy girl. So terribly uncoordinated that during gym class, when the phys ed teacher chose two students to captains of the team (of which in all my school days I was never chosen), and those captains chose the classmates they wanted on their team, the student with muscular dystrophy and the student with downs syndrome would get chosen before me. Also, in all my school years, I was always chosen last.

Oh? Oops, you were joking

It's hard enough for me to understand when someone is being sarcastic, rhetorical or making a joke when I'm looking right at them. I find it impossible for me to understand the fore mentioned when I'm talking to someone on the phone.

Common Sense is greek to me

A characteristic of Aperger's Syndrome is a lack of common sense, who...me? Yeah, me.
Case in point, at work I was complaining about how ink would get on the chest of my shirt when I carried around my notebook and uncovered pen. My bright idea to solve the problem was to start walking around with the pen facing the other direction. Then an apt co-worker suggested, "yeah, or you could just put the cover back on your pen,".
* DOH! *

Law & Order: CI

I'm watching Icarus, some major noir elements at play in this episode. I'm utterly rapt by the visual theme of the episode. In every scene the sets are comprised of squares and rectangles of varying sizes, and venetian blind covered windows (both are key visual styles used in noir movies), more obvious than any other episode. Perhaps emulating Eame's and Goren's own labyrinthine journey to solve the crime. This was the cherry however, during Goren's therapy session, the blinds are drawn up (awesome metaphor for Goren opening up to the therapist), and there is a storm raging outside, a great personification of Goren's inner turmoil and anger.
In direct juxtaposition is the series finale "To the Boy in the Blue Knit Cap". The contrast of this episode is just startling compared to Icarus. Where Icarus had the feeling of being in a labyrinth, To the Boy in the Blue Knit Cap had the feeling on being inside of a kaleidoscope.

Endlessly Rocking

Stimming! For as long as I can remember I've stimmed, of course until recently I did not know it was called stimming. The stimming behavior I display most is rocking or swaying, usually in a busy crowded environment for example waiting in the checkout line at the supermarket. Most of the time I don't realize I'm doing it until my fiancee whispers to me that I'm doing that rocking "thing" again. He does not tell me in a disparaging way, and I am grateful when he lets me know.
Another frequent stimming behavior is bouncing my knee up and down when I'm sitting at my desk. Maybe holding my breath, but I'm not sure that qualifies as text book stimming behavior.
95.5% of the time my stimming is connected to feelings of distress, real or imagined. Again, the supermarket is the best example, bright white florescent light, shiny floors, every color, texture, and shape one could imagine, not to mention the myriad of different sounds and smells. It's a one stop shop of cacophony, chaos and discordance for this aspie. I've learned to do my shopping much later in the evening if I must go it alone.
My stimming does not really bother me on an emotional level. I prefer not to do it in public, but stimming does serve it's purpose in calming me down. It's almost like a form of self hypnosis, I can't deny that it brings me comfort in times of distress. It's one of the Aspergers symptoms I can live well with. Dyspraxia on the other hand, I would gladly live without.

This Aspie's problem with going home sick

I ate something last night that disagreed with me quite violently this morning. Many people with Asperger's find comfort and stability in their routines, and I'm one of them. So being sick interferes with my routine of going to work and doing my job. Now, at work there is no judgment or criticism toward anyone that takes a sick day. So my anxiety is utterly due to the interference of my daily routine, and keeping me from work I love to do. I couldn't deal with not going to work, so I grin and bared it for about four hours. Finally, after being in the bathroom more than I was at my desk, I finally conceded defeat. Of course the mental anguish from the security of my routine being compromised due to my body being out of my control was enough to give me a mini meltdown. My poor boss, I basically babbled like an idiot trying to tell her that I had to go home, and I kept apologizing. Again, I can't emphasize enough that they really don't care if an employee has to go home sick, they are a very good employer. My boss was cool, and understood how uncomfortable I was telling her I needed to go home, and she just kept saying "it's okay, you're sick, don't worry, just go home and get better".
Part of this blog post is to say that even though I have not told anyone at work about my Asperger's, there are genuine good and perceptive people that do not judge and instinctively know how to handle a distressed Aspie.

Special interests by any other name

Otaku: (oh-tah-kooh) is a Japanese term used to refer to people with obsessive interests, particularly anime, manga, or video games.

True confessions at the Apple Squeeze

I've always been off beat and out of sync my whole life. Of course no one knew about Asperger's Syndrome until 1994. However, I was well acquainted with being called weird or weirdo from family and friends. Ironically, in 1994 when I was 17 I did get diagnosed with a learning disability, discalcula, but Asperger's was just barely out of the womb, and still unheard of in my little world.
So, I went many, many, many years as the high functioning in-congruent puzzle piece that you try to smash into the the picture, but no matter how hard you try, you just can't make it fit, and I did not know why. At age 30 I hear of Asperger's Syndrome for the first time on an NPR broadcast about a woman with Asperger's. To say I suffered a moment of cognitive dissonance is an understatement. The seed was planted, and Asperger's would become a greatest special interest (next to Doctor Who), but it would be four more years before acceptance set in.
Now that the itch had been scratched, and a diagnosis obtained, now what? What do I say to people? Do I wear a name tag that reads "Hello my name is Jackie and if I am socially awkward, idiosyncratic, clumsy (dyspraxia), run at the mouth about a particular subject, rock/sway to-and-fro (aka stimming), can't make sustained eye contact, don't like to be touched lightly, if you are sarcastic or rhetorical I won't get it and answer your question seriously etc...no I'm not a weirdo, it's because I have Asperger's Syndrome". 
The truth is, I've only told my mom and my fiancee. Everyone else who knows me has already accepted me for who I am, or have not, and I see no point in telling them because what difference would it make?
A month after diagnosis, I told my fiancee last week at the Apple Squeeze. A wonderful little festival, in the small town of Lenox, that attracts a lot of people. I am good for about an hour to an hour and a half in a crowded environment before I go into over stimulation shutdown, then inevitably meltdown if overstimulated for longer. If one thing has remained consistent from pre diagnosis to post diagnosis is I do have significant sensory problems.
After 10 years my love, Bill, has become rather perceptive to my nuances, especially the bad ones. Sometimes he recognizes the signs of my impending sensory "moods" before I do. Last Saturday was such a day when I started to get irritable about 2 hours too long past my threshold. I started to get aloof, it's so hard to describe the sensation of being overstimulated, I'll save it for another post. Anyway, Bill started escort me to the car, because I could barely form a sentence let alone comprehend what he was saying. Once away from the crowd, and in the sanctuary of his car, the fog cleared a bit. That is when I turned to him and said, "I have something to tell you" in a rather heavy and serious tone. He looked at me a bit stricken and waited for me to tell him..."I have Asperger's Syndrome". Well the pristine expression of relief on his face was confusing until he said "Oh my God I thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant,".

Foot in mouth

No matter how "high functioning" I am, I can really stick a foot in it. A coworker was talking to me (I rarely initiate conversation because of the fore mentioned topic, and well...I'm the poster child for social awkwardness) about my CPR/AED First aid training because she was also going to take the next class. I was a text book example of an aspie going on and on and on about a subject of interest. I mentioned that in the course the trainer emphasized if nothing else chest compressions are key. The co-worker (let's say Angie) was surprised and was telling me about her experience with her daughter how she kept her alive with just breaths when her daughter was a toddler. I utterly failed to empathize, and continued to go on about how, in the workshop, we were instructed chest compressions were essential. Now I do not support the literature that states people with aspergers don't have empathy. I know that I have it in spades, my timing is just a bit off because I have trouble recognizing the physical cues/ red flags that tell another person that now would be a good time to be empathic. Later, as I went over the instant replay of the conversation driving home from work, I felt her pain of her frightening experience with her daughter and I berated myself and felt  guilty to the enth power for being incapable (in the moment) for not recognizing Angie's emotional connection to the subject we discussed. Just when I'm about to except my aspergers as being part of who I am, I curse myself for having it due to those moments of unintentional insensitivity. I feel less than human at those moments, and have great trouble forgiving myself , because I know no matter how hard I try not to be me, it will happen again.

Doctor Who

Ever since I was 4, maybe even younger, I've been watching Doctor Who. It's probably my longest lasting special interest. The show is the best it's ever been. I think if I ever get amnesia, it will probably be the first thing I remember. Is that wrong?

Clumsy is as Clumsy does

Dyspraxia at a 10 today. Couldn't walk without bumping into something and couldn't sit with out first landing on the arms of my chair. Dyspraxia makes it difficult to wear high heals, but I don't let it stop me.

My man knows me best

Speaking from personal Aspergers experience, to say I don't like surprises, doesn't quite cover it. I get completely floored and derailed by surprises, even good ones. Now, how the man I love figured this out without me telling him that I'm an Aspie (in the beginning of our relationship) is beyond me. I just got lucky that such an intuitive gentleman could love someone as out of sync as me. 10 years later, we're still in love, and he still weathers my idiosyncratic disposition.

Just the other day I visited him at work to get my hair done, he's a hair stylist. I went out back with him and we chatted while he took a break (he smokes, but nobody is perfect).

" I have two surprises for you," he says, know surprise is not my favorite word. However, big time kudos for prepping me!
"I got a new lamp," he said.
Okay, I'm not so bad that the introduction of new furniture in the home would freak me out.
"The second, I scheduled a manicure for us," he said.
Uh-Oh! Red Alert! Red Alert! Normally, I think this is something a woman would swoon over if her lover scheduled a surprise manicure for her (then again, I can't presume to know how neuro typical people think). All I know is this Aspie has sensory problems with my fingertips. I don't like the feeling of vibrations on my finger tips, and I don't like people touching my fingers. So the idea of someone assaulting my fingers with an emery board, cuticle clippers, fingernail clippers etc...started to shut me down...(I don't have melt downs really anymore, usually shut downs now). My man being adept to my "moods" was right on top of it.
"I'll cancel your appointment if you want, but they are really good people, and I know them well. I met the woman who will do your nails, and I thought she was very cool. The owner assured me she was excellent," he explained.
FYI: there is a day spa next to the salon where he works.
Well, it worked, after I got the layout of the environment, and meeting the woman myself, I was comfortable. The manicure was fine, I still don't like my finger tips being touched, and probably won't go out of my way to get another one, but he was right. The woman was cool, it didn't hurt, and my nails got painted and awesome sparkly electric blue...for about an hour anyway. I don't like the feeling of nail polish on my nails either. However, I showed my gratitude to the man I love in spades, he is amazing!

Phenominal actor

Vincent D'onofrio has played ostentatious characters with a gifted and unique aplomb. Yet I think John Lange personifies his virtuosity

Aspie and her job

I don't know if it's a good thing or bad thing to have a job so well suited to my Aspergers. Reviewing (coding) applications for discrepancies tickles my pattern recognition fancy, especially since there are exponential variables with each application as unique as finger prints, no two are the same.

Quaking

Felt my first earthquake today in Pittsfield, MA. A 6 pointer his the Washington DC area and it was felt all over the east coast. I was at work and all of our computer monitors were shaking, which is nothing new because whenever someone heavy walks by, the floor shakes. I was cool with the quake, no Aspie problems here, except I fell behind in my work because I was so fascinated by the sensation of the quake.

Fresh Paint

The kitchen has just been painted blue and Navajo white, and for some reason the smell of the Navajo white paint freaks me out! To me it smells like excrement, BO, and garlic. Yesterday, I started crying because the smell just rubbed me too hard the wrong way. I don't know if that qualifies as a meltdown, because I was able to articulate well to my fiancee what had me so bothered. He was so good, he just nodded, went back into the living room, and allowed me my space to get over it.