Aspieism

I don't know what to call the aspie episode I had today. It was not a meltdown or a shutdown, and there was only a brief moment of stimming involved. I'll just regard what happened as an Aspieism.

Normally, I don't engage in small talk (chit-chat) at work. However, the office was cold, and a coworker asked me if she could borrow the blanket I keep in my drawer. It was also my lunch break, so I was comfortable with allowing myself to converse. My coworker, let's call her Amy, remarked how nice the blanket was, and asked "Oh, was this the blanket you got as your secret Santa gift last year,".

I don't know why, but questions always make me nervous, you could ask me what color my is my hair, and I'll get uncomfortable. It's like a hundreds of probabilities fight for dominance in my brain regarding the answer to the question. Then when my mind settles on one answer, it gets bottle necked with the other probable scenarios my brain was processing, and comes out in an idiotic stammer.

Anyway, my clumsy answer was "Ah-uhm...no. It was a beautiful scarf that Tara (not coworkers real name) gave me,"

While speaking I got self-conscious because Tara sits next to me on the other side of the wall, and for whatever reason I get very uncomfortable mentioning other peoples' names out of context. My discomfort was compounded by my thoughts about, "oh shit, you think it's such a beautiful scar, but you haven't worn it yet this winter. Tara is going to think you're full of crap about liking the scarf. I just keep forgetting to get it dry cleaned,"...

So I continued to tell Amy, "I haven't worn it yet because I keep forgetting to get it dry cleaned". I always add unnecessary bits of information. I just don't have the knack to know when to stop speaking. Tara, of course, heard me and said in a kind and considerate tone from the other side of the wall, "I'm sorry Jackie, I didn't think to check if the scarf needed dry cleaning,"...This is where my social skills collapsed...

I freaked out, just a little. I thought that Tara thought I was complaining. "No!" I exclaimed, and jumped up from my seat so Tara could see the sincerity on my face. Except, when I'm a little freaked, I can't make eye contact. It's as if I'm afraid the other person will see just how fucked up I am on the inside. The stimming also manifested in the form of the index and middle finger of my left hand pressing hard into my temple, and rocking from foot to foot, an aspie tap dance if you will. Then came the bumbling of my words...
"I didn't mean...I shouldn't have said...it's a gorgeous scarf and I love it...I didn't mean anything bad...I-uhm-I..."

Tara caught on and said in a comforting tone, "It's okay Jackie, I did not take what you were saying as a bad thing,"

I chilled out a bit, and replied "oh, good. What I meant was the scarf is so beautiful, I just wanted to take care of it,"

However, after I obsessed for a little while about how poorly I handled myself, and the situation. How I lost all sense of composure, and highlighted my insecurities. Always, what I intend to say, and what I actually do say are completely different. Why could I not just say assertively,
" Please don't be sorry, the scarf does not have to be dry cleaned. I just like it so much, I want to take good care of it,".