Aspieism

I don't know what to call the aspie episode I had today. It was not a meltdown or a shutdown, and there was only a brief moment of stimming involved. I'll just regard what happened as an Aspieism.

Normally, I don't engage in small talk (chit-chat) at work. However, the office was cold, and a coworker asked me if she could borrow the blanket I keep in my drawer. It was also my lunch break, so I was comfortable with allowing myself to converse. My coworker, let's call her Amy, remarked how nice the blanket was, and asked "Oh, was this the blanket you got as your secret Santa gift last year,".

I don't know why, but questions always make me nervous, you could ask me what color my is my hair, and I'll get uncomfortable. It's like a hundreds of probabilities fight for dominance in my brain regarding the answer to the question. Then when my mind settles on one answer, it gets bottle necked with the other probable scenarios my brain was processing, and comes out in an idiotic stammer.

Anyway, my clumsy answer was "Ah-uhm...no. It was a beautiful scarf that Tara (not coworkers real name) gave me,"

While speaking I got self-conscious because Tara sits next to me on the other side of the wall, and for whatever reason I get very uncomfortable mentioning other peoples' names out of context. My discomfort was compounded by my thoughts about, "oh shit, you think it's such a beautiful scar, but you haven't worn it yet this winter. Tara is going to think you're full of crap about liking the scarf. I just keep forgetting to get it dry cleaned,"...

So I continued to tell Amy, "I haven't worn it yet because I keep forgetting to get it dry cleaned". I always add unnecessary bits of information. I just don't have the knack to know when to stop speaking. Tara, of course, heard me and said in a kind and considerate tone from the other side of the wall, "I'm sorry Jackie, I didn't think to check if the scarf needed dry cleaning,"...This is where my social skills collapsed...

I freaked out, just a little. I thought that Tara thought I was complaining. "No!" I exclaimed, and jumped up from my seat so Tara could see the sincerity on my face. Except, when I'm a little freaked, I can't make eye contact. It's as if I'm afraid the other person will see just how fucked up I am on the inside. The stimming also manifested in the form of the index and middle finger of my left hand pressing hard into my temple, and rocking from foot to foot, an aspie tap dance if you will. Then came the bumbling of my words...
"I didn't mean...I shouldn't have said...it's a gorgeous scarf and I love it...I didn't mean anything bad...I-uhm-I..."

Tara caught on and said in a comforting tone, "It's okay Jackie, I did not take what you were saying as a bad thing,"

I chilled out a bit, and replied "oh, good. What I meant was the scarf is so beautiful, I just wanted to take care of it,"

However, after I obsessed for a little while about how poorly I handled myself, and the situation. How I lost all sense of composure, and highlighted my insecurities. Always, what I intend to say, and what I actually do say are completely different. Why could I not just say assertively,
" Please don't be sorry, the scarf does not have to be dry cleaned. I just like it so much, I want to take good care of it,".

Depression

I think my depression was exacerbated by me not knowing I had asperger's, and therefore not knowing why I could not relate to other people and vice versa. A very, very, very long time ago I use to cut to fill the void. However, as life went on I grew, adapted and eventually got diagnosed. Though I still have many insecurities, awareness and groups like the Asperger's Awareness Group on Facebook are a great light in the darkness. I still have bad days, but I no longer feel ashamed to be me.

Shutdown

Aspie emotional shutdown today...I was told by the supervisor to process the emails today. The woman next to me on the other side of the wall pitched a fit because case managers usually process the emails. Imagine the nastiest tone of voice, "What are you doing in there! You're not suppose to be working the emails! Did someone tell you to work these !"...I told her in a monotone voice "yeah, the supervisor," was all I said. Then I went into robot mode, and continued to work the emails as she bitched and moaned. Wow, some people are just angry I guess...I have empathy, I felt her anger, I just didn't care about her anger...I was too busy doing my job...

she's actually like that all the time...I often shutdown with her, I feel her emotions, it's just too much for me to swallow...also a part of me recognizes her frustration is valid... I guess I shouldn't delegitimize how she feels by shutting down, but I just can't process her anger...

if she was angry because I was doing something wrong, then I would be emotionally invested as well...but if an emotion like anger directed at me is not justified, I just don't know how to react, so I don't...sometimes this makes people angrier...

Mini Meltdown

Had a mini meltdown today. I had my first car accident on Saturday (no big deal and no injuries to myself or the other person). I handled all the paperwork, making the insurance claim, dealt with the auto repair mechanic very well. It was on my way home with my boyfriend that I started to lose my shit. I started to freak out over an obsessive thought that started on Saturday night, about how I did not want to tell my family members, friends or co workers about how the accident happened because I did not want to deal with self righteous judgments about what I should or should not have said to the police officer at the accident. 

Having a car accident is disconcerting enough, having Asperger's just compounds the ordeal. I would be more apt to talk about what happened, but I know the people well enough in my life to know that they will give me their unsolicited opinion on what I should or should not have said or done. I know this, because they do it to me all the time. It's like, oh goodie so not only is your advise a waste of time after the fact, and you don't care about the reasons why I said what I said at MY car accident, but you've made me feel stupid as well. You think that much about yourself and that little of me. 

The short lived meltdown came and went. I just feel bad that I can't trust the people closest to me to be encouraging, they've just disparaged me one too many times...

Another uh-duh! aspie moment

Two coworkers were teasing each other about what days they could park in the spot closest to the building. One of them said, "Okay, I'll take all the days that end in "y""...I actually had to stop and think about this. Well, my aspie mind took her comment seriously and I asserted to tell her "but, all the days end in "y""...yup that got some good laughs.

Bellflower

I'm not sure if it's a "special interest" interest or not, but I have a thing for violent movies. The more testosterone jam packed into a movie, the better. Bellflower is not exception! This movie directed by Evan Glodell was wicked an unique. The soundtrack was amazing! There was love, romance, a bad ass muscle car, fire, and violent bloody revenge. What's not to love...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IbCMk9nPRHg

Film Scores

A significant characteristic of someone with Asperger's Syndrome is to have all absorbing narrow areas of interest, a.k.a. special interests. One of my special interests are movies, and film scores. I could watch the worse movie ever made, but an awesome score can save the movie.
Superman Returns is far from being the worse movie ever made, I love this movie! John Williams composed the music to the original Superman movie, and John Ottman did William's composition justice with his score to Superman Returns.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sL9iNj7sLmE

Sensory Checklist

I have way too many checks on this list. http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-processing-disorder-checklist.html

Outside looking In

Social phobia woes...I'm afraid to meet new people because I am convinced that they would not like me...I am weird, awkward, self conscious and insecure (now I know I have Asperger's)...but my phobia in not irrational completely...growing up my peers bullied and ostracized me...it's funny, even though I've been treated cruelly and am twice shy as a result, I don't feel apathy toward others. Being on the outside looking in, knowing what it's like to be judged, can give one perspective...

Body/spatial awareness challenged

...yup, I walk into doors. My forearms are speckled with bruises from door knobs. Hips are bruised from bumping into the corner of counters or desks. Smashed my head a few times on the freezer door handle when I came up from looking in the fridge. I also often hit my head going in and out of a car. However stairs are my biggest downfall, especially the last step...I also wobble, sway and/or weave as well as suddenly lose my balance when I walk... The evil little demon Dyspraxia is the reason for my partial loss of coordination...