Monday, March 26, 2012

Social Coping, still trying

My boss said the scariest thing during our team meeting today..."Hey, some night this week, why don't we all get together after work for a drink, or appetizers or whatever"...inside my inner aspie was screaming NOOOO!...I saved the rocking until I got back to my desk...
Fundamentally, I agree with the need for making connections in society and among your peers. It's just that to connect with a group of people goes against the grain of my nature (hi, I have asperger's). It makes me feel so uncomfortable, that even after meetings while everyone is chatting with each other as we walk back to our desks, that I have to break away from the heard and walk ahead of everybody. It feels like I'm being crushed by all the stimuli. All their conversations kinda feel like my mind is being punched repeatedly by small fists. I don't think they are doing anything wrong. More often than not I wish I could amalgamate, and be part of the gang. It's just that all I know is, once I'm away from everyone, the relief is so great that it actually feels like a weight is lifted off me, and I can breath again...

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Supermarket Sensory Overload

I hope no one gets offended by this, but my love and I went grocery shopping today which is a sensory nightmare for me. So every time we stopped to look for what we needed on the shelves, I stimmed by swaying/rocking. I also cannot think clearly, and I do not don't speak well as a result. I repeat what I am saying in different ways. I also get unreasonably impatient. My guy is awesome, and conscientious of my anxiety. So he diffuses me by saying, "I love shopping with you, it's like shopping with Rain Man,"...I have a warped sense of humor, which he knows all too well, so I thought this was hilarious (granted I know that the Rain Man character had Classical Autism), but it worked. I feigned being incredulous, and jokingly told him he better watch it or else I was going to put him on the serious injury list...I know, I know, so wrong..but, making me laugh shifted my focus from my agitating environment, and kept me from shutting down.
I did do one incredibly lame thing though...while waiting in the checkout line naturally there was a person behind me. My spot in line, I was standing in front of the soda fridge. I had no idea that the man behind me wasn't waiting in line, but waiting for me to move so he could get a drink for his daughter out of the fridge that I was blocking. I realized this when I moved up in line, and saw him get a drink out of the fridge. I was a little down on myself for being so utterly self centered and oblivious. My guy made me feel a little better when he said "I remember be taught to say excuse me."...I guess he's a bit right, but I really need to be more aware of the people in my surroundings.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

No harm no fowl

Governing my personal aspie traits is a daily challenge, not to say or do something egregious. I have to be conscientious, almost vigilant, about the things I'm going to say or do. When I'm engaged in a conversation, I often censor my thoughts, which creates a brief delay before I speak. I learned this technique through many years of adaptation. Today, however, my filter was turned off. I was helping an administrator figure out a problem, and stated quite cavalierly, "Well, isn't this a pain in the balls". So not appropriate for a corporate environment, and so not sexual harassment friendly. As fortune would have it, the administrator thought what I said was awesome, and no one else heard my HR faux pas. It was the end of the day, and my mind was a bit fatigued, but I am still bothered about how second nature it is for me to say something inappropriate. I don't know how NTs do it, speak well with ease and grace, always knowing what to say, how to say and when to say it (or at lest that's my perception). I have no such aplomb with the spoken word, unless I'm saying something that is best left unsaid. No harm no fowl I suppose. Oh, and no pun intended.