On the verge

Teetered on the verge of a meltdown today, I was trying to process some information through our database, but the information I was entering was not compatible with the system. That was the first push of my decent, because the whole point of the system is to be compatible with the information, it is suppose to be symbiotic. We are expected to make a productivity goal every day, but how can we be held responsible for making that goal when the tools, sanctioned by the corporation to do our job, are broken. This disparity was causing me great anxiety as I watched the minutes tick by. The second push toward the disintegration of my composure, I was never trained on how to enter the information into the system, and there were no procedures attached to the email requesting me to enter the info. Basically, the email stated, you have to enter the info into this system, but we are not going to show or tell you how to do it. The third push toward the event horizon of my downward spiral, none of the admins that were familiar with the info and how to enter it into the system could help me. Since they could not help me, then that just affirmed there was a problem with the database, cycling back to push #1, and compounding my anxiety about making goal (which I normally exceed).

One of the admins suggested I call our Tech Team, so I did, but the outcome of the call was either going to make, or break me. At first, the call was not going well. Since I had no idea what was going on, I did not have the wherewithal to describe the problem, not to mention I was teetering. Needless to say the Tech Team had no idea what I was talking about, and proceeded to ask me to send them screen shots. I nearly lost it! In order to email them screen shots, I would have to actually be able to enter the info into the system to generate said screens, and I just told them I could not enter the info. Of course their knee jerk reaction to the problem is that it is being caused by user error. With my last ounce of fortitude, in a tone of voice laden with unshed tears clotting my throat, I all but begged them to come to my work station to see the problem for themselves. I held my breath in anticipation, the fate of my professional countenance depended on their answer. Triumphant joy, they came to the rescue. Two of the Tech Team came to help me, and their cool, calm and collected disposition was enough to pull me back a bit from the brink of utter emotional catastrophe.

After several attempts using all of their expert skill, they too could not get the information to process through the system. Lo and behold, the system was programmed incorrectly to handle the particular type of info we were trying to enter. This was a brand new problem which had not been reported yet, lucky me. One of the Tech Team, of whom I shall ever refer to as the systems Jedi, came up with a band aid solution just so I could get the information processed. The 20 minutes allotted to process the information turned into 2.5 hours, but I no longer cared. I was too elated and relieved, and watched them in awe as they walked majestically away.

Even though I did not have a meltdown, my frustration was obvious, and my inability to contain myself even more so. Fortunately, I work with an empathetic and compassionate group of people (none of whom know I have Asperger's). I handled the situation poorly without any grace, and I struggled to maintain some iota of dignity. I get angry and even loathe myself a bit that I am virtually incapable of handling just about any situation that disrupts routine. I also feel guilt that I subjected the people around me to my undignified behavior. Day in and day out I watch the others around me deal with similar problems without batting an eyelash. No matter how hard I try not to get flustered, I just cannot get the hang of it. I guess there are some advantages to having Asperger's, but I certainly did not represent today.