Mind the elocution gap

There is honey in my thoughts today, but there lies a great divide between what I'm thinking and what I'm speaking. I try to bridge that gap with writing, which is not always an efficient means of communication in a social or business setting. I don't know why I lose eloquence from thought to sound, but my thought seems to break and fragment on their way out of my mouth, and my tongue shreds on the shards of my words. I suppose one part has to do with my social phobia, where another persons entire being is a sensory enigma to me. Their impaling eyes fixed on mine, as if to penetrate a secret out of me. I have to look away, but I think I have mastered this. I look up to the right or to the left, as if I'm heavily pondering what they have to say. When, in truth, I cannot make a connection to them based off of what they are saying to me. Yet, I am aware of the expectation of reciprocity, so I try, and merely choke on the tangle of my words.

Sometimes, what people say is completely alien to me. I remember someone speaking to me while eating peanut butter filled pretzels, and they said with staunch conviction, "these would be better if they were filled with cream cheese". Then their eyes met mine, and I had nothing to offer, but other people spoke in support of cream cheese filled pretzels. I just couldn't relate to them. My thoughts about the pretzels began and ended with "I'm hungry" and "Yay I'm eating food".

In the Winter

It's been a while...I've been a bit shut down in my own world, in the quiet and solace of my mental space. Lately, the outside world has been a bit too abrasive, of a barbed texture I cannot abide. However, my dreams have been vivid, and my writing while in waking has been sublime.

I'm having more trouble than usual talking to people, and connecting with them on a fundamentally "normal" level. It's not that I don't want to, and it's not for lack of trying, I've just been particularly socially dysfunctional lately. I've always had more of a hard time in the winter than during the sunnier warmer days of my life.

I look forward to the light that's coming, though I'll still have Asperger's. Yet, for whatever reason, I simply have higher functioning. I wonder if it has something with the wavelength of light, and not so much the duration of light?

My niche

Aspie here dealing with change...At work they gave all of us a second computer monitor, so we can do our work on dual monitors. Which is great, and I was ready for this change, they gave us plenty on notice...Today, my monitor was installed, and I love it. I had no problem adjusting to the dual screens, however I was having trouble adjusting to my augmented work space. I did not have a meltdown/shutdown or anything like that, but it took me almost 2 hours to move my stuff around, and position the monitors until I was comfortable. I was just not able to concentrate until I arranged and rearranged my workspace, and got my niche just right...

Grand mal meltdown

The last time I had a grand mal meltdown was a couple of years ago due to a major change in my life. I got unjustly fired from my job. I had the meltdown at home. I lose all composure, it's like pure anger and fear posses me. My rational mind shuts down, all sense of reason leaves my mind. I'm just raw outrage. I start by screaming, flailing my arms and swearing a lot. Then as I go nuclear, I curl up into a ball on the floor similar to the child pose yoga position, with my forehead on the floor, and I continue to wail. The wail comes from a place so deep, dark and full of chaos, it feels as if it's going to pull my soul inside out. I scream at my boyfriend to leave me alone, to get away from me, to stop talking to me because it makes me worse. Once I go full Chernobyl, there is no "me" anymore. The only way out of the cacophony and discordance is to just let run it's course. Then comes the feeling of guilt and shame about losing control. I'm lucky and blessed to have such a wonderful and understanding man that loves me...

Aspieism

I don't know what to call the aspie episode I had today. It was not a meltdown or a shutdown, and there was only a brief moment of stimming involved. I'll just regard what happened as an Aspieism.

Normally, I don't engage in small talk (chit-chat) at work. However, the office was cold, and a coworker asked me if she could borrow the blanket I keep in my drawer. It was also my lunch break, so I was comfortable with allowing myself to converse. My coworker, let's call her Amy, remarked how nice the blanket was, and asked "Oh, was this the blanket you got as your secret Santa gift last year,".

I don't know why, but questions always make me nervous, you could ask me what color my is my hair, and I'll get uncomfortable. It's like a hundreds of probabilities fight for dominance in my brain regarding the answer to the question. Then when my mind settles on one answer, it gets bottle necked with the other probable scenarios my brain was processing, and comes out in an idiotic stammer.

Anyway, my clumsy answer was "Ah-uhm...no. It was a beautiful scarf that Tara (not coworkers real name) gave me,"

While speaking I got self-conscious because Tara sits next to me on the other side of the wall, and for whatever reason I get very uncomfortable mentioning other peoples' names out of context. My discomfort was compounded by my thoughts about, "oh shit, you think it's such a beautiful scar, but you haven't worn it yet this winter. Tara is going to think you're full of crap about liking the scarf. I just keep forgetting to get it dry cleaned,"...

So I continued to tell Amy, "I haven't worn it yet because I keep forgetting to get it dry cleaned". I always add unnecessary bits of information. I just don't have the knack to know when to stop speaking. Tara, of course, heard me and said in a kind and considerate tone from the other side of the wall, "I'm sorry Jackie, I didn't think to check if the scarf needed dry cleaning,"...This is where my social skills collapsed...

I freaked out, just a little. I thought that Tara thought I was complaining. "No!" I exclaimed, and jumped up from my seat so Tara could see the sincerity on my face. Except, when I'm a little freaked, I can't make eye contact. It's as if I'm afraid the other person will see just how fucked up I am on the inside. The stimming also manifested in the form of the index and middle finger of my left hand pressing hard into my temple, and rocking from foot to foot, an aspie tap dance if you will. Then came the bumbling of my words...
"I didn't mean...I shouldn't have said...it's a gorgeous scarf and I love it...I didn't mean anything bad...I-uhm-I..."

Tara caught on and said in a comforting tone, "It's okay Jackie, I did not take what you were saying as a bad thing,"

I chilled out a bit, and replied "oh, good. What I meant was the scarf is so beautiful, I just wanted to take care of it,"

However, after I obsessed for a little while about how poorly I handled myself, and the situation. How I lost all sense of composure, and highlighted my insecurities. Always, what I intend to say, and what I actually do say are completely different. Why could I not just say assertively,
" Please don't be sorry, the scarf does not have to be dry cleaned. I just like it so much, I want to take good care of it,".

Depression

I think my depression was exacerbated by me not knowing I had asperger's, and therefore not knowing why I could not relate to other people and vice versa. A very, very, very long time ago I use to cut to fill the void. However, as life went on I grew, adapted and eventually got diagnosed. Though I still have many insecurities, awareness and groups like the Asperger's Awareness Group on Facebook are a great light in the darkness. I still have bad days, but I no longer feel ashamed to be me.

Shutdown

Aspie emotional shutdown today...I was told by the supervisor to process the emails today. The woman next to me on the other side of the wall pitched a fit because case managers usually process the emails. Imagine the nastiest tone of voice, "What are you doing in there! You're not suppose to be working the emails! Did someone tell you to work these !"...I told her in a monotone voice "yeah, the supervisor," was all I said. Then I went into robot mode, and continued to work the emails as she bitched and moaned. Wow, some people are just angry I guess...I have empathy, I felt her anger, I just didn't care about her anger...I was too busy doing my job...

she's actually like that all the time...I often shutdown with her, I feel her emotions, it's just too much for me to swallow...also a part of me recognizes her frustration is valid... I guess I shouldn't delegitimize how she feels by shutting down, but I just can't process her anger...

if she was angry because I was doing something wrong, then I would be emotionally invested as well...but if an emotion like anger directed at me is not justified, I just don't know how to react, so I don't...sometimes this makes people angrier...