Social Coping, still trying

My boss said the scariest thing during our team meeting today..."Hey, some night this week, why don't we all get together after work for a drink, or appetizers or whatever"...inside my inner aspie was screaming NOOOO!...I saved the rocking until I got back to my desk...

Fundamentally, I agree with the need for making connections in society and among your peers. It's just that to connect with a group of people goes against the grain of my nature (hi, I have asperger's). It makes me feel so uncomfortable, that even after meetings while everyone is chatting with each other as we walk back to our desks, that I have to break away from the heard and walk ahead of everybody. It feels like I'm being crushed by all the stimuli. All their conversations kinda feel like my mind is being punched repeatedly by small fists. I don't think they are doing anything wrong. More often than not I wish I could amalgamate, and be part of the gang. It's just that all I know is, once I'm away from everyone, the relief is so great that it actually feels like a weight is lifted off me, and I can breath again...

Supermarket Sensory Overload

I hope no one gets offended by this, but my love and I went grocery shopping today which is a sensory nightmare for me. So every time we stopped to look for what we needed on the shelves, I stimmed by swaying/rocking. I also cannot think clearly, and I do not don't speak well as a result. I repeat what I am saying in different ways. I also get unreasonably impatient. My guy is awesome, and conscientious of my anxiety. So he diffuses me by saying, "I love shopping with you, it's like shopping with Rain Man,"...I have a warped sense of humor, which he knows all too well, so I thought this was hilarious (granted I know that the Rain Man character had Classical Autism), but it worked. I feigned being incredulous, and jokingly told him he better watch it or else I was going to put him on the serious injury list...I know, I know, so wrong..but, making me laugh shifted my focus from my agitating environment, and kept me from shutting down.

I did do one incredibly lame thing though...while waiting in the checkout line naturally there was a person behind me. My spot in line, I was standing in front of the soda fridge. I had no idea that the man behind me wasn't waiting in line, but waiting for me to move so he could get a drink for his daughter out of the fridge that I was blocking. I realized this when I moved up in line, and saw him get a drink out of the fridge. I was a little down on myself for being so utterly self centered and oblivious. My guy made me feel a little better when he said "I remember be taught to say excuse me."...I guess he's a bit right, but I really need to be more aware of the people in my surroundings.

No harm no fowl

Governing my personal aspie traits is a daily challenge, not to say or do something egregious. I have to be conscientious, almost vigilant, about the things I'm going to say or do. When I'm engaged in a conversation, I often censor my thoughts, which creates a brief delay before I speak. I learned this technique through many years of adaptation. Today, however, my filter was turned off. I was helping an administrator figure out a problem, and stated quite cavalierly, "Well, isn't this a pain in the balls". So not appropriate for a corporate environment, and so not sexual harassment friendly. As fortune would have it, the administrator thought what I said was awesome, and no one else heard my HR faux pas. It was the end of the day, and my mind was a bit fatigued, but I am still bothered about how second nature it is for me to say something inappropriate. I don't know how NTs do it, speak well with ease and grace, always knowing what to say, how to say and when to say it (or at lest that's my perception). I have no such aplomb with the spoken word, unless I'm saying something that is best left unsaid. No harm no fowl I suppose. Oh, and no pun intended.

To be or not to be an Aspie

I've had Asperger's Syndrome my whole life, but I was not diagnosed until last year. The diagnosis of AS did not yet exist until the mid 90s, I would have been 17, but I did not hear about AS until I was 30. The description of AS fit well, but I was a college educated, employed, independent woman in a committed relationship. If I really had AS, how would any of that be possible. College educated, yes, but I only excelled in the classes that I found interesting. Employed, yes, but from 2003-2008 every job I had lasted less than three years. Independent woman, yes, but I am social phobic and I have only two close friend, of which I only hang out with them on occasion. Otherwise, I'm content in my little cocoon feeding whatever special interest has captivated me. Committed relationship, yes, but I got lucky. I'll save the story of my relationship for another day.

My point is, I vacillated about me having AS until I was 34 years old. Researching AS had become my new special interest. The more I researched the more I identified with people that have AS, than I did with people who do not have AS. There were many blogs that aided my research, and it was on one of those blogs that I came across the Aspie Quiz. It's an amateur AS evaluation, not to be used for clinical diagnosis. However, I decided if I score high on the quiz, then I would seek a professional diagnosis. Out of 200 questions I scored 169 on the AS scale, which is pretty high considering my non-AS score was 35 out of 200. If you think you will find it useful the Aspie Quiz is located: http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

On the verge

Teetered on the verge of a meltdown today, I was trying to process some information through our database, but the information I was entering was not compatible with the system. That was the first push of my decent, because the whole point of the system is to be compatible with the information, it is suppose to be symbiotic. We are expected to make a productivity goal every day, but how can we be held responsible for making that goal when the tools, sanctioned by the corporation to do our job, are broken. This disparity was causing me great anxiety as I watched the minutes tick by. The second push toward the disintegration of my composure, I was never trained on how to enter the information into the system, and there were no procedures attached to the email requesting me to enter the info. Basically, the email stated, you have to enter the info into this system, but we are not going to show or tell you how to do it. The third push toward the event horizon of my downward spiral, none of the admins that were familiar with the info and how to enter it into the system could help me. Since they could not help me, then that just affirmed there was a problem with the database, cycling back to push #1, and compounding my anxiety about making goal (which I normally exceed).

One of the admins suggested I call our Tech Team, so I did, but the outcome of the call was either going to make, or break me. At first, the call was not going well. Since I had no idea what was going on, I did not have the wherewithal to describe the problem, not to mention I was teetering. Needless to say the Tech Team had no idea what I was talking about, and proceeded to ask me to send them screen shots. I nearly lost it! In order to email them screen shots, I would have to actually be able to enter the info into the system to generate said screens, and I just told them I could not enter the info. Of course their knee jerk reaction to the problem is that it is being caused by user error. With my last ounce of fortitude, in a tone of voice laden with unshed tears clotting my throat, I all but begged them to come to my work station to see the problem for themselves. I held my breath in anticipation, the fate of my professional countenance depended on their answer. Triumphant joy, they came to the rescue. Two of the Tech Team came to help me, and their cool, calm and collected disposition was enough to pull me back a bit from the brink of utter emotional catastrophe.

After several attempts using all of their expert skill, they too could not get the information to process through the system. Lo and behold, the system was programmed incorrectly to handle the particular type of info we were trying to enter. This was a brand new problem which had not been reported yet, lucky me. One of the Tech Team, of whom I shall ever refer to as the systems Jedi, came up with a band aid solution just so I could get the information processed. The 20 minutes allotted to process the information turned into 2.5 hours, but I no longer cared. I was too elated and relieved, and watched them in awe as they walked majestically away.

Even though I did not have a meltdown, my frustration was obvious, and my inability to contain myself even more so. Fortunately, I work with an empathetic and compassionate group of people (none of whom know I have Asperger's). I handled the situation poorly without any grace, and I struggled to maintain some iota of dignity. I get angry and even loathe myself a bit that I am virtually incapable of handling just about any situation that disrupts routine. I also feel guilt that I subjected the people around me to my undignified behavior. Day in and day out I watch the others around me deal with similar problems without batting an eyelash. No matter how hard I try not to get flustered, I just cannot get the hang of it. I guess there are some advantages to having Asperger's, but I certainly did not represent today.

Mind the elocution gap

There is honey in my thoughts today, but there lies a great divide between what I'm thinking and what I'm speaking. I try to bridge that gap with writing, which is not always an efficient means of communication in a social or business setting. I don't know why I lose eloquence from thought to sound, but my thought seems to break and fragment on their way out of my mouth, and my tongue shreds on the shards of my words. I suppose one part has to do with my social phobia, where another persons entire being is a sensory enigma to me. Their impaling eyes fixed on mine, as if to penetrate a secret out of me. I have to look away, but I think I have mastered this. I look up to the right or to the left, as if I'm heavily pondering what they have to say. When, in truth, I cannot make a connection to them based off of what they are saying to me. Yet, I am aware of the expectation of reciprocity, so I try, and merely choke on the tangle of my words.

Sometimes, what people say is completely alien to me. I remember someone speaking to me while eating peanut butter filled pretzels, and they said with staunch conviction, "these would be better if they were filled with cream cheese". Then their eyes met mine, and I had nothing to offer, but other people spoke in support of cream cheese filled pretzels. I just couldn't relate to them. My thoughts about the pretzels began and ended with "I'm hungry" and "Yay I'm eating food".

In the Winter

It's been a while...I've been a bit shut down in my own world, in the quiet and solace of my mental space. Lately, the outside world has been a bit too abrasive, of a barbed texture I cannot abide. However, my dreams have been vivid, and my writing while in waking has been sublime.

I'm having more trouble than usual talking to people, and connecting with them on a fundamentally "normal" level. It's not that I don't want to, and it's not for lack of trying, I've just been particularly socially dysfunctional lately. I've always had more of a hard time in the winter than during the sunnier warmer days of my life.

I look forward to the light that's coming, though I'll still have Asperger's. Yet, for whatever reason, I simply have higher functioning. I wonder if it has something with the wavelength of light, and not so much the duration of light?