Taciturn

At work we are grouped into cubicles, with four people to a cube space. Our region is very chatty, except for me. I have no judgment about small talk, as a matter of fact I wish I had the ability to interact with my peers, but it is literally an excruciating exercise for me. The person who sits next to me has a comment for ever bit of minutia that takes place in a given day. Usually, people respond, but if those more socially adjusted people are away, there's only her and me. I, of course, am not as responsive to her observations. So my silence creates an awkward space, which I do not have the wherewithal to reconcile. Small talk for me is physically uncomfortable, my body feels like it's being squished and drained. Not to mention all the exponential variables of trying to understand their body language, voice inflection, facial expressions, are they being literal or facetious. Then there is the agony of being trapped in a conversation regarding a subject you just don't relate to, how do you come up with the appropriate responses for that situation. I simply do a lot of nodding and um-humming. Of course there is the ever present problem of eye contact, which I think I got licked. I simply look up to the right or left as if I'm contemplating deeply what the other person is saying. Anyway, a simple less than 5 minute chat is exhausting, all I can think about is I would rather be anywhere than caught in the jaws of a trivial conversation, and the whole time my inner #aspie is screaming, "make the pain stop"!

I Wish I Didn't Have Aspergers

I have wished not to have Asperger's, but to be honest, despite having AS, the only person that ever held me back was me. Not saying being teased or bullied didn't help my perception, but it was also "NTs" that encouraged me to grow. Getting diagnosed last year was not a means to give me an excuse, but an opportunity to improve. Though I still sometimes wish I didn't have #Aspergers, I try not to wallow in my socially contrary nuances. #Aspie but try and improve on the aspects of my being that are unique to my own special kind of grace (which is a work in progress).

Still Getting Sorted

From being on Twitter I've come across some engrossing, insightful, and brilliant blogs making me aware that my blog does not fit the fore mentioned adjectives. Though I've struggled with the challenges of having Asperger's Syndrome my whole life, I didn't actually know that I had Asperger's until I got diagnosed less than a year ago. I went from just being "weird" and socially awkward to having a syndrome. Having a diagnosis does more than just name the reason why I am the way I am, it also changes my perspective of myself. Before gaining insight or wisdom, I first have to experience my life with having Asperger's Syndrome, which differs greatly from my former life as the weirdo. This may seem to be just semantics, but it is not. Pre diagnosis was a life of self ignorance and loathing without any opportunity to improve myself. Knowing I have AS opened a whole new and vast uncharted world of self awareness. My self esteem and self tolerance improved, however I'm still working on my confidence. Hopefully, in time, my journey will yield some insight that I can share that may help others on their journey of self awareness.

Aspie Misadventure in Aisle Two

I was just remembering the time my love (I've been with the man too long to call him by boyfriend, and we're not married so husband is out, and fiancee is too much of an anal fantastic word) and I went to the store to buy light bulbs, and I called this guy out who was verbally abusing his daughter in aisle two. All 5' 2" 120lbs of me confronting a man several times my weight and height. So the large guy comes bounding toward me like an enraged bull, bellowing epithets, red faced and finger pointed like a vestigial horn. We crossed words, but I don't recall what was said, probably because I don't speak asshole. The funny thing was, considering the hulking juggernaut of violence and rage headed in my specific direction, I didn't feel anything. Neither flight nor fight, which does not bode well for my sense of self preservation. I just stood there feeling calm and focused, and for someone with Asperger's, that is a rare and coveted state of grace.

The large guy stopped short of course, and I glared at him with a dare in my eyes. Having prematurely spent his testosterone pay lode, and not quite making the money shot, all he had left was, "She's my daughter! MY daughter!"

To be fair, I was not much more loquacious with my quiet reply, "Then treat her like you love her."
I was then encouraged strongly by my love's wise words, "Hon, we need olive oil," and was ushered away to aisle six.

On the way home I reviewed my mental shopping list, and simultaneously ripped off a credit car commercial:

Light Bulbs - check
Olive Oil - check
Unresolved Daddy Issues - TBD

Social Coping, still trying

My boss said the scariest thing during our team meeting today..."Hey, some night this week, why don't we all get together after work for a drink, or appetizers or whatever"...inside my inner aspie was screaming NOOOO!...I saved the rocking until I got back to my desk...

Fundamentally, I agree with the need for making connections in society and among your peers. It's just that to connect with a group of people goes against the grain of my nature (hi, I have asperger's). It makes me feel so uncomfortable, that even after meetings while everyone is chatting with each other as we walk back to our desks, that I have to break away from the heard and walk ahead of everybody. It feels like I'm being crushed by all the stimuli. All their conversations kinda feel like my mind is being punched repeatedly by small fists. I don't think they are doing anything wrong. More often than not I wish I could amalgamate, and be part of the gang. It's just that all I know is, once I'm away from everyone, the relief is so great that it actually feels like a weight is lifted off me, and I can breath again...

Supermarket Sensory Overload

I hope no one gets offended by this, but my love and I went grocery shopping today which is a sensory nightmare for me. So every time we stopped to look for what we needed on the shelves, I stimmed by swaying/rocking. I also cannot think clearly, and I do not don't speak well as a result. I repeat what I am saying in different ways. I also get unreasonably impatient. My guy is awesome, and conscientious of my anxiety. So he diffuses me by saying, "I love shopping with you, it's like shopping with Rain Man,"...I have a warped sense of humor, which he knows all too well, so I thought this was hilarious (granted I know that the Rain Man character had Classical Autism), but it worked. I feigned being incredulous, and jokingly told him he better watch it or else I was going to put him on the serious injury list...I know, I know, so wrong..but, making me laugh shifted my focus from my agitating environment, and kept me from shutting down.

I did do one incredibly lame thing though...while waiting in the checkout line naturally there was a person behind me. My spot in line, I was standing in front of the soda fridge. I had no idea that the man behind me wasn't waiting in line, but waiting for me to move so he could get a drink for his daughter out of the fridge that I was blocking. I realized this when I moved up in line, and saw him get a drink out of the fridge. I was a little down on myself for being so utterly self centered and oblivious. My guy made me feel a little better when he said "I remember be taught to say excuse me."...I guess he's a bit right, but I really need to be more aware of the people in my surroundings.

No harm no fowl

Governing my personal aspie traits is a daily challenge, not to say or do something egregious. I have to be conscientious, almost vigilant, about the things I'm going to say or do. When I'm engaged in a conversation, I often censor my thoughts, which creates a brief delay before I speak. I learned this technique through many years of adaptation. Today, however, my filter was turned off. I was helping an administrator figure out a problem, and stated quite cavalierly, "Well, isn't this a pain in the balls". So not appropriate for a corporate environment, and so not sexual harassment friendly. As fortune would have it, the administrator thought what I said was awesome, and no one else heard my HR faux pas. It was the end of the day, and my mind was a bit fatigued, but I am still bothered about how second nature it is for me to say something inappropriate. I don't know how NTs do it, speak well with ease and grace, always knowing what to say, how to say and when to say it (or at lest that's my perception). I have no such aplomb with the spoken word, unless I'm saying something that is best left unsaid. No harm no fowl I suppose. Oh, and no pun intended.

To be or not to be an Aspie

I've had Asperger's Syndrome my whole life, but I was not diagnosed until last year. The diagnosis of AS did not yet exist until the mid 90s, I would have been 17, but I did not hear about AS until I was 30. The description of AS fit well, but I was a college educated, employed, independent woman in a committed relationship. If I really had AS, how would any of that be possible. College educated, yes, but I only excelled in the classes that I found interesting. Employed, yes, but from 2003-2008 every job I had lasted less than three years. Independent woman, yes, but I am social phobic and I have only two close friend, of which I only hang out with them on occasion. Otherwise, I'm content in my little cocoon feeding whatever special interest has captivated me. Committed relationship, yes, but I got lucky. I'll save the story of my relationship for another day.

My point is, I vacillated about me having AS until I was 34 years old. Researching AS had become my new special interest. The more I researched the more I identified with people that have AS, than I did with people who do not have AS. There were many blogs that aided my research, and it was on one of those blogs that I came across the Aspie Quiz. It's an amateur AS evaluation, not to be used for clinical diagnosis. However, I decided if I score high on the quiz, then I would seek a professional diagnosis. Out of 200 questions I scored 169 on the AS scale, which is pretty high considering my non-AS score was 35 out of 200. If you think you will find it useful the Aspie Quiz is located: http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

On the verge

Teetered on the verge of a meltdown today, I was trying to process some information through our database, but the information I was entering was not compatible with the system. That was the first push of my decent, because the whole point of the system is to be compatible with the information, it is suppose to be symbiotic. We are expected to make a productivity goal every day, but how can we be held responsible for making that goal when the tools, sanctioned by the corporation to do our job, are broken. This disparity was causing me great anxiety as I watched the minutes tick by. The second push toward the disintegration of my composure, I was never trained on how to enter the information into the system, and there were no procedures attached to the email requesting me to enter the info. Basically, the email stated, you have to enter the info into this system, but we are not going to show or tell you how to do it. The third push toward the event horizon of my downward spiral, none of the admins that were familiar with the info and how to enter it into the system could help me. Since they could not help me, then that just affirmed there was a problem with the database, cycling back to push #1, and compounding my anxiety about making goal (which I normally exceed).

One of the admins suggested I call our Tech Team, so I did, but the outcome of the call was either going to make, or break me. At first, the call was not going well. Since I had no idea what was going on, I did not have the wherewithal to describe the problem, not to mention I was teetering. Needless to say the Tech Team had no idea what I was talking about, and proceeded to ask me to send them screen shots. I nearly lost it! In order to email them screen shots, I would have to actually be able to enter the info into the system to generate said screens, and I just told them I could not enter the info. Of course their knee jerk reaction to the problem is that it is being caused by user error. With my last ounce of fortitude, in a tone of voice laden with unshed tears clotting my throat, I all but begged them to come to my work station to see the problem for themselves. I held my breath in anticipation, the fate of my professional countenance depended on their answer. Triumphant joy, they came to the rescue. Two of the Tech Team came to help me, and their cool, calm and collected disposition was enough to pull me back a bit from the brink of utter emotional catastrophe.

After several attempts using all of their expert skill, they too could not get the information to process through the system. Lo and behold, the system was programmed incorrectly to handle the particular type of info we were trying to enter. This was a brand new problem which had not been reported yet, lucky me. One of the Tech Team, of whom I shall ever refer to as the systems Jedi, came up with a band aid solution just so I could get the information processed. The 20 minutes allotted to process the information turned into 2.5 hours, but I no longer cared. I was too elated and relieved, and watched them in awe as they walked majestically away.

Even though I did not have a meltdown, my frustration was obvious, and my inability to contain myself even more so. Fortunately, I work with an empathetic and compassionate group of people (none of whom know I have Asperger's). I handled the situation poorly without any grace, and I struggled to maintain some iota of dignity. I get angry and even loathe myself a bit that I am virtually incapable of handling just about any situation that disrupts routine. I also feel guilt that I subjected the people around me to my undignified behavior. Day in and day out I watch the others around me deal with similar problems without batting an eyelash. No matter how hard I try not to get flustered, I just cannot get the hang of it. I guess there are some advantages to having Asperger's, but I certainly did not represent today.

Mind the elocution gap

There is honey in my thoughts today, but there lies a great divide between what I'm thinking and what I'm speaking. I try to bridge that gap with writing, which is not always an efficient means of communication in a social or business setting. I don't know why I lose eloquence from thought to sound, but my thought seems to break and fragment on their way out of my mouth, and my tongue shreds on the shards of my words. I suppose one part has to do with my social phobia, where another persons entire being is a sensory enigma to me. Their impaling eyes fixed on mine, as if to penetrate a secret out of me. I have to look away, but I think I have mastered this. I look up to the right or to the left, as if I'm heavily pondering what they have to say. When, in truth, I cannot make a connection to them based off of what they are saying to me. Yet, I am aware of the expectation of reciprocity, so I try, and merely choke on the tangle of my words.

Sometimes, what people say is completely alien to me. I remember someone speaking to me while eating peanut butter filled pretzels, and they said with staunch conviction, "these would be better if they were filled with cream cheese". Then their eyes met mine, and I had nothing to offer, but other people spoke in support of cream cheese filled pretzels. I just couldn't relate to them. My thoughts about the pretzels began and ended with "I'm hungry" and "Yay I'm eating food".

In the Winter

It's been a while...I've been a bit shut down in my own world, in the quiet and solace of my mental space. Lately, the outside world has been a bit too abrasive, of a barbed texture I cannot abide. However, my dreams have been vivid, and my writing while in waking has been sublime.

I'm having more trouble than usual talking to people, and connecting with them on a fundamentally "normal" level. It's not that I don't want to, and it's not for lack of trying, I've just been particularly socially dysfunctional lately. I've always had more of a hard time in the winter than during the sunnier warmer days of my life.

I look forward to the light that's coming, though I'll still have Asperger's. Yet, for whatever reason, I simply have higher functioning. I wonder if it has something with the wavelength of light, and not so much the duration of light?

My niche

Aspie here dealing with change...At work they gave all of us a second computer monitor, so we can do our work on dual monitors. Which is great, and I was ready for this change, they gave us plenty on notice...Today, my monitor was installed, and I love it. I had no problem adjusting to the dual screens, however I was having trouble adjusting to my augmented work space. I did not have a meltdown/shutdown or anything like that, but it took me almost 2 hours to move my stuff around, and position the monitors until I was comfortable. I was just not able to concentrate until I arranged and rearranged my workspace, and got my niche just right...

Grand mal meltdown

The last time I had a grand mal meltdown was a couple of years ago due to a major change in my life. I got unjustly fired from my job. I had the meltdown at home. I lose all composure, it's like pure anger and fear posses me. My rational mind shuts down, all sense of reason leaves my mind. I'm just raw outrage. I start by screaming, flailing my arms and swearing a lot. Then as I go nuclear, I curl up into a ball on the floor similar to the child pose yoga position, with my forehead on the floor, and I continue to wail. The wail comes from a place so deep, dark and full of chaos, it feels as if it's going to pull my soul inside out. I scream at my boyfriend to leave me alone, to get away from me, to stop talking to me because it makes me worse. Once I go full Chernobyl, there is no "me" anymore. The only way out of the cacophony and discordance is to just let run it's course. Then comes the feeling of guilt and shame about losing control. I'm lucky and blessed to have such a wonderful and understanding man that loves me...

Aspieism

I don't know what to call the aspie episode I had today. It was not a meltdown or a shutdown, and there was only a brief moment of stimming involved. I'll just regard what happened as an Aspieism.

Normally, I don't engage in small talk (chit-chat) at work. However, the office was cold, and a coworker asked me if she could borrow the blanket I keep in my drawer. It was also my lunch break, so I was comfortable with allowing myself to converse. My coworker, let's call her Amy, remarked how nice the blanket was, and asked "Oh, was this the blanket you got as your secret Santa gift last year,".

I don't know why, but questions always make me nervous, you could ask me what color my is my hair, and I'll get uncomfortable. It's like a hundreds of probabilities fight for dominance in my brain regarding the answer to the question. Then when my mind settles on one answer, it gets bottle necked with the other probable scenarios my brain was processing, and comes out in an idiotic stammer.

Anyway, my clumsy answer was "Ah-uhm...no. It was a beautiful scarf that Tara (not coworkers real name) gave me,"

While speaking I got self-conscious because Tara sits next to me on the other side of the wall, and for whatever reason I get very uncomfortable mentioning other peoples' names out of context. My discomfort was compounded by my thoughts about, "oh shit, you think it's such a beautiful scar, but you haven't worn it yet this winter. Tara is going to think you're full of crap about liking the scarf. I just keep forgetting to get it dry cleaned,"...

So I continued to tell Amy, "I haven't worn it yet because I keep forgetting to get it dry cleaned". I always add unnecessary bits of information. I just don't have the knack to know when to stop speaking. Tara, of course, heard me and said in a kind and considerate tone from the other side of the wall, "I'm sorry Jackie, I didn't think to check if the scarf needed dry cleaning,"...This is where my social skills collapsed...

I freaked out, just a little. I thought that Tara thought I was complaining. "No!" I exclaimed, and jumped up from my seat so Tara could see the sincerity on my face. Except, when I'm a little freaked, I can't make eye contact. It's as if I'm afraid the other person will see just how fucked up I am on the inside. The stimming also manifested in the form of the index and middle finger of my left hand pressing hard into my temple, and rocking from foot to foot, an aspie tap dance if you will. Then came the bumbling of my words...
"I didn't mean...I shouldn't have said...it's a gorgeous scarf and I love it...I didn't mean anything bad...I-uhm-I..."

Tara caught on and said in a comforting tone, "It's okay Jackie, I did not take what you were saying as a bad thing,"

I chilled out a bit, and replied "oh, good. What I meant was the scarf is so beautiful, I just wanted to take care of it,"

However, after I obsessed for a little while about how poorly I handled myself, and the situation. How I lost all sense of composure, and highlighted my insecurities. Always, what I intend to say, and what I actually do say are completely different. Why could I not just say assertively,
" Please don't be sorry, the scarf does not have to be dry cleaned. I just like it so much, I want to take good care of it,".

Depression

I think my depression was exacerbated by me not knowing I had asperger's, and therefore not knowing why I could not relate to other people and vice versa. A very, very, very long time ago I use to cut to fill the void. However, as life went on I grew, adapted and eventually got diagnosed. Though I still have many insecurities, awareness and groups like the Asperger's Awareness Group on Facebook are a great light in the darkness. I still have bad days, but I no longer feel ashamed to be me.

Shutdown

Aspie emotional shutdown today...I was told by the supervisor to process the emails today. The woman next to me on the other side of the wall pitched a fit because case managers usually process the emails. Imagine the nastiest tone of voice, "What are you doing in there! You're not suppose to be working the emails! Did someone tell you to work these !"...I told her in a monotone voice "yeah, the supervisor," was all I said. Then I went into robot mode, and continued to work the emails as she bitched and moaned. Wow, some people are just angry I guess...I have empathy, I felt her anger, I just didn't care about her anger...I was too busy doing my job...

she's actually like that all the time...I often shutdown with her, I feel her emotions, it's just too much for me to swallow...also a part of me recognizes her frustration is valid... I guess I shouldn't delegitimize how she feels by shutting down, but I just can't process her anger...

if she was angry because I was doing something wrong, then I would be emotionally invested as well...but if an emotion like anger directed at me is not justified, I just don't know how to react, so I don't...sometimes this makes people angrier...

Mini Meltdown

Had a mini meltdown today. I had my first car accident on Saturday (no big deal and no injuries to myself or the other person). I handled all the paperwork, making the insurance claim, dealt with the auto repair mechanic very well. It was on my way home with my boyfriend that I started to lose my shit. I started to freak out over an obsessive thought that started on Saturday night, about how I did not want to tell my family members, friends or co workers about how the accident happened because I did not want to deal with self righteous judgments about what I should or should not have said to the police officer at the accident. 

Having a car accident is disconcerting enough, having Asperger's just compounds the ordeal. I would be more apt to talk about what happened, but I know the people well enough in my life to know that they will give me their unsolicited opinion on what I should or should not have said or done. I know this, because they do it to me all the time. It's like, oh goodie so not only is your advise a waste of time after the fact, and you don't care about the reasons why I said what I said at MY car accident, but you've made me feel stupid as well. You think that much about yourself and that little of me. 

The short lived meltdown came and went. I just feel bad that I can't trust the people closest to me to be encouraging, they've just disparaged me one too many times...

Another uh-duh! aspie moment

Two coworkers were teasing each other about what days they could park in the spot closest to the building. One of them said, "Okay, I'll take all the days that end in "y""...I actually had to stop and think about this. Well, my aspie mind took her comment seriously and I asserted to tell her "but, all the days end in "y""...yup that got some good laughs.

Bellflower

I'm not sure if it's a "special interest" interest or not, but I have a thing for violent movies. The more testosterone jam packed into a movie, the better. Bellflower is not exception! This movie directed by Evan Glodell was wicked an unique. The soundtrack was amazing! There was love, romance, a bad ass muscle car, fire, and violent bloody revenge. What's not to love...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IbCMk9nPRHg

Film Scores

A significant characteristic of someone with Asperger's Syndrome is to have all absorbing narrow areas of interest, a.k.a. special interests. One of my special interests are movies, and film scores. I could watch the worse movie ever made, but an awesome score can save the movie.
Superman Returns is far from being the worse movie ever made, I love this movie! John Williams composed the music to the original Superman movie, and John Ottman did William's composition justice with his score to Superman Returns.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sL9iNj7sLmE