Taciturn

At work we are grouped into cubicles, with four people to a cube space. Our region is very chatty, except for me. I have no judgment about small talk, as a matter of fact I wish I had the ability to interact with my peers, but it is literally an excruciating exercise for me. The person who sits next to me has a comment for ever bit of minutia that takes place in a given day. Usually, people respond, but if those more socially adjusted people are away, there's only her and me. I, of course, am not as responsive to her observations. So my silence creates an awkward space, which I do not have the wherewithal to reconcile. Small talk for me is physically uncomfortable, my body feels like it's being squished and drained. Not to mention all the exponential variables of trying to understand their body language, voice inflection, facial expressions, are they being literal or facetious. Then there is the agony of being trapped in a conversation regarding a subject you just don't relate to, how do you come up with the appropriate responses for that situation. I simply do a lot of nodding and um-humming. Of course there is the ever present problem of eye contact, which I think I got licked. I simply look up to the right or left as if I'm contemplating deeply what the other person is saying. Anyway, a simple less than 5 minute chat is exhausting, all I can think about is I would rather be anywhere than caught in the jaws of a trivial conversation, and the whole time my inner #aspie is screaming, "make the pain stop"!

I Wish I Didn't Have Aspergers

I have wished not to have Asperger's, but to be honest, despite having AS, the only person that ever held me back was me. Not saying being teased or bullied didn't help my perception, but it was also "NTs" that encouraged me to grow. Getting diagnosed last year was not a means to give me an excuse, but an opportunity to improve. Though I still sometimes wish I didn't have #Aspergers, I try not to wallow in my socially contrary nuances. #Aspie but try and improve on the aspects of my being that are unique to my own special kind of grace (which is a work in progress).

Still Getting Sorted

From being on Twitter I've come across some engrossing, insightful, and brilliant blogs making me aware that my blog does not fit the fore mentioned adjectives. Though I've struggled with the challenges of having Asperger's Syndrome my whole life, I didn't actually know that I had Asperger's until I got diagnosed less than a year ago. I went from just being "weird" and socially awkward to having a syndrome. Having a diagnosis does more than just name the reason why I am the way I am, it also changes my perspective of myself. Before gaining insight or wisdom, I first have to experience my life with having Asperger's Syndrome, which differs greatly from my former life as the weirdo. This may seem to be just semantics, but it is not. Pre diagnosis was a life of self ignorance and loathing without any opportunity to improve myself. Knowing I have AS opened a whole new and vast uncharted world of self awareness. My self esteem and self tolerance improved, however I'm still working on my confidence. Hopefully, in time, my journey will yield some insight that I can share that may help others on their journey of self awareness.

Aspie Misadventure in Aisle Two

I was just remembering the time my love (I've been with the man too long to call him by boyfriend, and we're not married so husband is out, and fiancee is too much of an anal fantastic word) and I went to the store to buy light bulbs, and I called this guy out who was verbally abusing his daughter in aisle two. All 5' 2" 120lbs of me confronting a man several times my weight and height. So the large guy comes bounding toward me like an enraged bull, bellowing epithets, red faced and finger pointed like a vestigial horn. We crossed words, but I don't recall what was said, probably because I don't speak asshole. The funny thing was, considering the hulking juggernaut of violence and rage headed in my specific direction, I didn't feel anything. Neither flight nor fight, which does not bode well for my sense of self preservation. I just stood there feeling calm and focused, and for someone with Asperger's, that is a rare and coveted state of grace.

The large guy stopped short of course, and I glared at him with a dare in my eyes. Having prematurely spent his testosterone pay lode, and not quite making the money shot, all he had left was, "She's my daughter! MY daughter!"

To be fair, I was not much more loquacious with my quiet reply, "Then treat her like you love her."
I was then encouraged strongly by my love's wise words, "Hon, we need olive oil," and was ushered away to aisle six.

On the way home I reviewed my mental shopping list, and simultaneously ripped off a credit car commercial:

Light Bulbs - check
Olive Oil - check
Unresolved Daddy Issues - TBD

Social Coping, still trying

My boss said the scariest thing during our team meeting today..."Hey, some night this week, why don't we all get together after work for a drink, or appetizers or whatever"...inside my inner aspie was screaming NOOOO!...I saved the rocking until I got back to my desk...

Fundamentally, I agree with the need for making connections in society and among your peers. It's just that to connect with a group of people goes against the grain of my nature (hi, I have asperger's). It makes me feel so uncomfortable, that even after meetings while everyone is chatting with each other as we walk back to our desks, that I have to break away from the heard and walk ahead of everybody. It feels like I'm being crushed by all the stimuli. All their conversations kinda feel like my mind is being punched repeatedly by small fists. I don't think they are doing anything wrong. More often than not I wish I could amalgamate, and be part of the gang. It's just that all I know is, once I'm away from everyone, the relief is so great that it actually feels like a weight is lifted off me, and I can breath again...

Supermarket Sensory Overload

I hope no one gets offended by this, but my love and I went grocery shopping today which is a sensory nightmare for me. So every time we stopped to look for what we needed on the shelves, I stimmed by swaying/rocking. I also cannot think clearly, and I do not don't speak well as a result. I repeat what I am saying in different ways. I also get unreasonably impatient. My guy is awesome, and conscientious of my anxiety. So he diffuses me by saying, "I love shopping with you, it's like shopping with Rain Man,"...I have a warped sense of humor, which he knows all too well, so I thought this was hilarious (granted I know that the Rain Man character had Classical Autism), but it worked. I feigned being incredulous, and jokingly told him he better watch it or else I was going to put him on the serious injury list...I know, I know, so wrong..but, making me laugh shifted my focus from my agitating environment, and kept me from shutting down.

I did do one incredibly lame thing though...while waiting in the checkout line naturally there was a person behind me. My spot in line, I was standing in front of the soda fridge. I had no idea that the man behind me wasn't waiting in line, but waiting for me to move so he could get a drink for his daughter out of the fridge that I was blocking. I realized this when I moved up in line, and saw him get a drink out of the fridge. I was a little down on myself for being so utterly self centered and oblivious. My guy made me feel a little better when he said "I remember be taught to say excuse me."...I guess he's a bit right, but I really need to be more aware of the people in my surroundings.

No harm no fowl

Governing my personal aspie traits is a daily challenge, not to say or do something egregious. I have to be conscientious, almost vigilant, about the things I'm going to say or do. When I'm engaged in a conversation, I often censor my thoughts, which creates a brief delay before I speak. I learned this technique through many years of adaptation. Today, however, my filter was turned off. I was helping an administrator figure out a problem, and stated quite cavalierly, "Well, isn't this a pain in the balls". So not appropriate for a corporate environment, and so not sexual harassment friendly. As fortune would have it, the administrator thought what I said was awesome, and no one else heard my HR faux pas. It was the end of the day, and my mind was a bit fatigued, but I am still bothered about how second nature it is for me to say something inappropriate. I don't know how NTs do it, speak well with ease and grace, always knowing what to say, how to say and when to say it (or at lest that's my perception). I have no such aplomb with the spoken word, unless I'm saying something that is best left unsaid. No harm no fowl I suppose. Oh, and no pun intended.